


Status Quo

by ElvenSorceress



Category: High School Musical (Movies)
Genre: Coming Out, Dancing, Don't Have to Know Canon, F/F, Femslash, Interracial Relationship, LGBTQ Character of Color, M/M, Male Character of Color, Male Slash, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, POV Character of Color, Self-Discovery, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-20
Updated: 2008-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-05 04:12:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElvenSorceress/pseuds/ElvenSorceress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chad does not have a secret obsession, but Ryan has always been on his mind.  - A character study of Chad Danforth, his denial and subsequent journey of discovering identity. Includes all canon and beyond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Status Quo

**Author's Note:**

> In 2008, I was asked to write a fic for a multi-fandom slash zine because they liked my Chad/Ryan stories and while they gave me free reign to write whatever, those boys were my number one love. 
> 
> I polled the LJ comm, idontdance, to see why everyone loves Chad/Ryan so I could write something that would truly represent this fandom/pairing. The answers I received were mostly "because they are different, but not" and references to their massive chemistry and personalities that fit. 
> 
> This fic was written to introduce someone unfamiliar with the fandom and to showcase why Chad and Ryan are so brilliant together. Mostly, it's all my love for Chad/Ryan exploded onto a page. It covers all three movies and a little beyond. It's also a "classic" interpretation. Nothing particularly new and different, it's more of a tribute to the standard and follows canon verrrry closely.
> 
> Except for the zine, I have not posted or shared this publicly. I think it's about time I did. <3

 

Chad does not have a secret obsession.  
  
He doesn’t bake and he hasn’t been the lead in the school musical or gone around singing all the time because of some girl and he most definitely is not going through an identity crisis of any kind. He is exactly the way he presents himself. What you see is what you get.  
  
If Chad did have some sort of hidden desire, it would not be _that._  
  
He might consider cheerleading if he had to pick something. Shouting and jumping around is a blast, and while cheerleading is totally not a sport, it is sports related. Chad could deal with admitting he might get a little overexcited about cheerleading.  
  
He does not get excited about anything that is unrelated to sports. Food and sex are totally related to sports. Just for the record. But sex never includes a man other than himself. Unless it’s someone else having sex with a man because Chad does not have sex with men. He doesn’t even think about sex with another man at all ever.  
  
Even if he did, it would so not be Ryan.  
  
If Chad were going to have sex with a man, then he would find a _man._ Not some frightening mix of drama queen and ballerina. He’d want athleticism and competition and muscles. Rough, dirty, forceful strength and skill. Someone who knows what it’s like to make that last shot before the buzzer. Or what it’s like to speed across the finish line before anyone else. Or who can hit a home run right over the fence.  
  
Not that Chad’s thought about it at all. Because he hasn’t.  
  
But Ryan is not any of those things. Unless you consider dancing athletic. Chad does not. Even if dancing is related to sex, it is not a sport.  
  
Chad might as well find a girl if he were having any sort of thoughts about Ryan, which he is not.  
  
Chad has a girlfriend – one of the hottest girls in the whole school, too. Maybe even in all of Albuquerque. Plus, she’s wicked smart and he loves that about her. Even if that means she won’t sleep with him. He can respect that. He doesn’t necessarily like it because he isn’t getting laid, but he gets it. He’s fine just hanging out with her. He loves talking to her and listening to her. She even listens to him. He likes having her around.  
  
He doesn’t think about her when she isn’t around. Not much, anyway. He probably should and he kind of feels bad that he doesn’t, but he isn’t using her for sex or anything, so it’s okay.  
  
He isn’t using anyone for sex, though, which is not as okay.  
  
But the cheerleaders are boring. That’s right, boring. And there’s no way Chad would go for any girl on the scholastic team. Well, any other girl, since he kind of already went for Taylor. But the choir girls are too conceited and the skater girls are too apathetic. The mathletes are too Gabriella, and anyone in drama is too queer or too Sharpay. Both are equally frightening prospects.  
  
None of the girls hold his interest.  
  
If Chad were going to go for any guy, it should be Troy. They’re close and a little too affectionate and Chad knows it. Except that Chad also knows what Troy is really like and he so wouldn’t want that every day for the rest of his life. Even as much as he loves him. But at least it would make sense. Wanting his best friend.  
  
Wanting any other guy does not make sense.  
  
It’s a good thing Chad doesn’t. Doesn’t want any guy. Any guy whatsoever.  
  
Zeke, for example, is far, far too perky. Especially in the morning – Chad knows from experience. Basketball camp experience. Nothing… else. And if it were something else, Chad would’ve had to murder him for the unforgiveable crime of Perky Morning Person Syndrome.  
  
Jason is an outright space cadet. He’d probably forget what he was doing even while in the middle of it. Chad’s pretty sure he wouldn’t appreciate that.  
  
Ryan, however, has this intensity. He’s driven and passionate. Like he’s so focused and determined to get what he wants. He’d probably be really fucking awesome in bed.  
  
Not that Chad ever thinks of that. But he’d put money on it.  
  
It’s a bad idea anyway. Not only is Ryan a total girl and disturbingly flamboyant, he’s nothing like Chad. They wouldn’t have anything in common. Not that you need something in common in order to fuck. With the exception of a hard-on. But it just wouldn’t work. The only thing Ryan knows how to do is sing and dance and prance around a stage. None of those are turn-ons. Unless it’s like a sexy dance or something. Ballet or jitterbug or whatever is not sexy.  
  
Though if Ryan can dance at all, he could probably make it a sexy dance. With a lack of clothes and an even bigger lack of decency. That would work. If you liked that sort of thing.  
  
Chad might like that sort of thing.  
  
He’s seen some of his teammates dance around the locker room in only towels and maybe less. That was definitely awesome. But only because it was funny. Not because it was sexy. Though several of his teammates are good-looking. Hard muscles and toned bodies and luscious sweaty skin.  
  
Chad firmly believes sweat is sexy. It means effort and heat and physical exertion. He’s totally imagined tonguing and licking sweat off of someone. He’d do it all the time if he had someone who’d let him. He really needs to find someone who’ll let him.  
  
He doesn’t know if Ryan would let him. Chad is damn nice to look at. And he’s sure he could get Ryan all sweaty. But would Ryan actually want that?  
  
Chad doesn’t really want that so it wouldn’t matter anyway. But it’d be interesting to know if Ryan would want him. Interesting in the name of science. Or something. But Chad is not going to be conducting any experiments. Chad and experimenting do not go together.  
  
If he were the kind of person who experimented, he might consider Ryan. At least he’d know that Ryan wouldn’t be pissed off about a guy coming on to him. Chad’s pretty sure anyway. It’s not like they’ve ever had long, drawn-out conversations about it. They’ve barely talked at all. But it’s Ryan.  
  
Ryan is quite possibly the gayest person alive. He could be banging some girl in the middle of homeroom and Chad still wouldn’t believe Ryan has any sexual or romantic interest in women. After all, people have sex with plastic and silicone all the time and they don’t claim to be semi-inorganic-polymer-sexual.  
  
Theoretically, Chad could have sex with a man and it wouldn’t make him gay. Sex is one thing. Especially when you’re seventeen and even cucumbers can make you hot. Being genuinely attracted to someone is completely different. Mouths and hands aren’t gender-specific, so just getting off with someone can have no basis in sexual orientation. But falling for someone does.  
  
Chad has thought about the kind of person he’d fall for, the kind of person he’d really want to be with.  
  
They’d have to be athletic, of course. Or at least they’d understand and appreciate the thrill and excitement of rivalry and victory on the court or the field. He’d want someone strong and confident who knows they’re good. Someone who’s not afraid to get dirty and playful and defiant with him. Maybe even someone who could beat him once in a while, but never someone who would let him win.  
  
He’d need someone calmer than himself, someone more reserved and patient. He’d love someone who’s dedicated. He’d really love someone who knows what it’s like to be thought of as second best. And who wouldn’t see him that way.  
  
Chad’s pretty sure it’s all wishful thinking. Ideal fantasies that don’t actually exist. But if they do, Chad wouldn’t just fall – he’d dive off the edge if he ever found someone like that.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Ryan is not supposed to play baseball. That is not how the world works.  
  
He’s not supposed to hit home runs almost every time he goes up to bat. He’s _not_ supposed to strike Chad out three innings in a row. He shouldn’t even know how to pitch because, really, Ryan pitching? That doesn’t happen. Except it kind of is. The pitching. In a literal, playing baseball sense, and only in a literal, playing baseball sense.  
  
Ryan’s really not supposed to be so good because baseball actually is a sport, and not only that – it’s a sport that Chad loves.  
  
It should be insulting. It should make Chad livid that prissy, epicene Ryan could beat him. He should be full of disgust and self-loathing. But Ryan’s just so incredible.  
  
He’s not just good – he’s fucking phenomenal. And if anything turns Chad on, it’s skill.  
  
Which means he might be having more than one thought that involves tearing off Ryan’s stupid designer clothes and fucking him senseless right there on the diamond. Which is bad. Really, really bad. Really bad and he should not be thinking something so that.  
  
But it’s only because Ryan probably would let Chad fuck him. Maybe right here. Or he might be willing to suck Chad off which would definitely work, too. But then Chad’s team would lose and he’s not about to let that happen.  
  
It’s extraordinarily stupid. Of all the people to be thinking about having sex with, it should never ever be Ryan. But Chad can’t get it out of his head that Ryan’s standing up to him, that Ryan’s fighting just as hard as he is to win. That Chad might actually lose. And he kind of loves that Ryan is that awesome.  
  
It has to be the game. And the sports being related to sex thing. The supposed sex that he’s been thinking about even thought it’s stupid to think about. But thinking is harmless. More importantly, it’s meaningless. So, there’s no reason not to think about digging his fingers into straight, slender hips and sucking marks into white skin and driving into Ryan until he screams Chad’s name.  
  
That is an especially good thought. Even if it shouldn’t be.  
  
He’s almost disappointed when Ryan loses. As much as Chad wanted the win, feeling Ryan’s defeat isn’t rewarding. It’s painful.  
  
Chad more than knows what it’s like to have to prove yourself at everything. He kind of feels stupid for underestimating Ryan, for thinking Ryan couldn’t be like any other guy. Even if Ryan isn’t like any other guy. But Chad isn’t sure he likes the idea of Ryan being like anyone else.  
  
He likes that Ryan isn’t ashamed or apologetic of who he is. Who else would have the balls to prance around in glittery pink outfits? In a serious fashion? Chad wouldn’t be caught dead doing anything remotely like that. Not just because he isn’t gay like Ryan. Chad isn’t that brave. He likes that Ryan is.  
  
Chad concedes. If Ryan can play baseball, Chad can dance.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Dancing is still not a real sport, but it is much harder than Chad thought. It’s not fair that Ryan makes it look so easy. All smooth and graceful motions with calculated strength and precision.  
  
Chad is not about to become a dancer, but he doesn’t mind someone else being one. He kind of loves watching. Ryan does things with his hips that should really be considered obscene, and Chad wonders why no one else notices how dirty those movements are.  
  
Maybe because no one else pays such close attention to Ryan. Which is good. Chad might not be gay, but he does not want anyone else to get ideas. If Ryan’s taken, Chad might have to feel guilty for hungrily watching the way Ryan’s ass moves when he twists around.  
  
Of course, Chad might not feel guilty at all, but it’d be more difficult to seduce Ryan. In theory. Not that Chad would. But he likes to keep possibilities open. Any sex is better than no sex, and gay sex is still sex.  
  
And Ryan’s full, perfectly shaped lips were just meant to be wrapped around a cock. Preferably Chad’s because that would be awesome.  
  
Maybe that’s a little gay. Or a lot. Whatever. It’s not Chad’s fault that Ryan is the only one around with any sort of appeal who actually would have sex with him. Guys are easier. That’s just how things are.  
  
If they did do anything, Chad would probably need to reciprocate in some way. It’d be fair. And the last thing he’d need is Ryan telling everyone that Chad’s a selfish lover. That wouldn’t get him laid again.  
  
He wonders what Ryan would want, what he’d like. Probably the same things Chad thinks of. There’s no way he would put some guy’s dick in his mouth, but a handjob is fairly neutral. Chad does it to himself all the time, so he could definitely handle that.  
  
He wonders how Ryan would sound while someone was touching him – if he’s loud or quiet, breathy or demanding, licentiously wanton or irritatingly composed like he usually is.  
  
Chad kind of really wants to know. Then he could taste Ryan’s skin and feel Ryan hard and wanting underneath him. He could make Ryan sweaty and so needy that he’d practically beg for it.  
  
Chad needs to lay off the dancing. It really does lead to sex. Or not enough sex. And far too many thoughts about Ryan and sex.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Ryan is funny. Chad had actually never noticed it before. It’s not like their inner circles ever collided until Troy had an identity crisis and dragged the whole school into one with him. But Ryan is really funny. He has this sarcastic, slightly devious sense of humor, and it always has Chad rolling on the floor in hysterics.  
  
Plus, Ryan lights up the whole world when he smiles.  
  
And he has this soft, sweet way of looking at Chad that might make Chad a little dizzy. Who wouldn’t turn to mush while being looked at so adoringly? Troy goes completely stupid at the mere mention of Gabriella. So, it’s perfectly reasonable.  
  
Ryan even plays basketball with him. He pretty much sucks at it since he doesn’t do basketball like he does baseball, but he lets Chad teach him.  
  
Chad loves teaching him. Ryan practically bounces every time he gets something right, and Chad’s whole chest floods with pride. When Ryan screws up, he gets an adorable pout that should in no way be adorable, but it really, really is. It also makes Chad think about biting and sucking on that pretty lip until it’s red and swollen.  
  
Or maybe kissing Ryan until the pout goes away.  
  
They’re sitting together after having played for a good couple hours. Hours in which Chad had to work harder than he would ever want to admit. He rambles to Ryan about everything he wants out of life. Mostly so he’s not blatantly staring at Ryan’s sweaty, pale skin. Or thinking of how he likes watching Ryan breathe heavily. But a little because he wants to tell Ryan those things.  
  
When Chad can’t think of anything more, he asks Ryan what he wants in life. Naturally, Ryan doesn’t just answer – he sings. Something about wanting someone to hold him and need him and know him and make him alive.  
  
Chad rolls his eyes and comments that of course Ryan has a show tune for everything. And that he has a really good voice. Ryan smiles like no one has ever told him that before, which is silly because Chad is sure that plenty of people have. But he loves that Ryan finds it special.  
  
Sometimes while Chad is bussing tables and waiting on people, Ryan will spend his day in the dining hall, keeping Chad company when he has breaks and giving him at least one person to look forward to seeing. Chad never asked him to, but he definitely likes having Ryan around.  
  
When Chad has a stupid fight with Troy about something he can’t even remember, Ryan sits with him quietly, subtly leaning into him and offering comfort. Chad forgets all about being angry because he realizes he loves Ryan.  
  
Like a friend. Like with Troy. He’s allowed to love Ryan that way even though Ryan’s gay. But he definitely loves Ryan. Chad doesn’t say it of course. It’s not even something he says to Troy. But he feels it, and he feels it for Ryan.  
  
~*~*~  
  
It was easy when Chad didn’t care. When he and Ryan weren’t friends. When he didn’t know that Ryan actually is athletic in ways that count and caring in ways that make Chad yearn. When dancing wasn’t fun or something Chad would ever do.  
  
Now Chad willingly goes to the music studio, and when Ryan gives him that bright smile and whispers, “Dance with me,” Chad actually wants to. Ryan makes him want to.  
  
He indulges Ryan once or twice, lets Ryan take his hands and show him steps and twirl around. He can feel the heat from Ryan’s body, just far enough away so only their hands are touching. It’s sheer agony to not be touching anywhere else.  
  
But Chad can’t think about sex with Ryan. Anymore. At all ever. He can’t think about sexing one of his friends. Sex with someone you care about means… something. He’s not exactly sure what, but it’s something.  
  
When they spin and Ryan practically falls into Chad’s arms, pressing close and warm and smelling so good, Chad nearly does something really stupid. But instead he pushes Ryan away like he’s been burned. Because he thinks he kind of has.  
  
Ryan blinks at him, completely confused. Chad mumbles some excuse about working and runs for it. There are too many thoughts in his head. Too many things that keep coming back to Ryan.  
  
Chad’s not gay. At least, he’s not supposed to be gay. Or bi. Or anything other than straight.  
  
He doesn’t obsess over Cher or Judy Garland or Madonna. He kind of likes Donna Summer, but who wouldn’t?  
  
He doesn’t do fashion even if he likes making a statement with slogan t-shirts, but that’s a normal amount of caring about what he wears. It’s not like his belt and shoes always match. Or like he has an entire mall-sized collection of pastel slacks and colorful hats.  
  
He hates _Brokeback Mountain_. The damn movie was far too depressing.  
  
Chad knows that isn’t what being gay really is. But that’s still not him. He’s not supposed to be that.  
  
Maybe he’s not. Maybe it’s just that he’s close to Ryan, and Ryan is vibrantly, exuberantly, irrefutably gay. Maybe it’s because he could have and probably would have sex with Ryan. If the opportunity arose. All Chad’s crazy, suppressed sexual feelings are just being directed onto Ryan because it’d be possible to get him in bed.  
  
But there are also girls he knows who would totally sleep with him. He just… he wants Ryan. He’d really rather have Ryan. On any day.  
  
Chad doesn’t know how to be gay. However homoerotic some sports may be, they aren’t gay. Gay guys don’t play sports. Okay, some gay guys play sports. Ryan does. But how the hell is Chad supposed to be gay and be on the basketball team? Would his team even let him in the locker room? Or anywhere near them? Is Chad supposed to walk down the halls of East High holding the hand of some guy who would probably be Ryan?  
  
Chad likes Taylor. He’s not about to break up with her. Everyone expects him to go to prom and other shit like that and there’s no way he’d take Ryan. Chad isn’t going to be some poster boy for homosexuality and gay rights or whatever even if he really is gay. Other people are free to do that but he is not going to do that.  
  
Maybe Chad is gay. Maybe he’s always known it. But he can’t let anyone else know it. Not when it’s his senior year and they have to win state. Not when there are colleges and scholarships and futures to worry about. It’s too much all at once. And Chad wishes he could cope better, but he doesn’t know how. He’s never known how.  
  
There’s really only one option left. Chad can’t take the chance. He can’t be that close. When the summer ends, so does his friendship with Ryan.  
  
~*~*~  
  
He still talks to Ryan. Still sees him on occasion. He tries to ignore how Ryan is a little quieter, a little less bubbly. At least around him.  
  
Chad throws himself into basketball because basketball makes sense. It doesn’t change him or make him feel like he’s dying inside. He refuses to think about sex with Ryan. Not that he doesn’t want it. It just makes Chad miss him so much he can’t breathe.  
  
He has a few idle thoughts about sleeping with Troy. All visions of his bright blue eyes and his love of singing and how it’d be so easy. How it would make so much more sense.  
  
Chad tries to think of how Ryan’s totally vain and a complete snob and blond in every way, and so closed off about anything he really feels because he’d much rather keep up appearances.  
  
But anything potentially negative about Ryan, it just doesn’t bother Chad. It probably should, but he doesn’t care. He likes that Ryan is fastidious and bitchy and snarky – maybe not so much when it’s directed toward Chad – but he loves that Ryan never compromises who he is.  
  
And Ryan’s the one who hits home runs and pitches no-hitters. Who’s bold and self-assured but mostly tactful about it. Ryan who teases him about owning third base even though Chad hadn’t meant it like that. Ryan who challenges him to be better, to be more.  
  
Ryan who would sit with him and teach him long, controlled breaths when he’s angry. Ryan who’s devoted and ambitious and still lets his sister have the spotlight.  
  
Ryan who feels so good and smells so good and would most certainly sound good. Why couldn’t it be just sex? Why couldn’t that be the only thing he wants to do with Ryan?  
  
Sex is one thing. Wanting and adoring and loving someone is different.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Chad is certifiably insane and should probably be checked in to the nearest mental hospital.  
  
He agreed to do the spring musical. With all of his friends. They had begged. He figured why not as long as they were all making fools of themselves. That, and it’s an excuse to be around Ryan.  
  
Chad hopes they can reconnect. Maybe pick up where they left off. He hasn’t stopped thinking about sunshine and baseball, and dancing with Ryan until they both collapsed on the floor laughing.  
  
He can’t believe that he actually waited. To tell Ryan and hopefully do other things but only at the right time. Of course, Chad is praying like crazy that Ryan will think now is the right time. But he’ll wait if Ryan thinks it isn’t.  
  
But Chad ends up wondering just how many times Ryan can throw his whole world completely _off._  
  
Chad does not want to hate Kelsi. She’s quiet and sweet and would never dream of upsetting anyone. But Chad feels a debilitating rage when he thinks of her. Her and Ryan. And her kissing Ryan when it should be Chad kissing Ryan.  
  
It’s wrong. It’s wrong and not fair on so many levels. And he really doesn’t want to hate her, but he really, really does. She is not supposed to go around giving the guy he wants a sexuality crisis.  
  
It’s also stupid and unreasonable because it’s not her fault that Ryan suffered some kind of brain trauma and thinks he’s straight or is trying and failing miserably at convincing everyone that he really does have an interest in women.  
  
Chad can’t even tell if Ryan’s truly happy seeing as Ryan is a God damned actor and really good at putting on a smile regardless of what he’s feeling.  
  
Chad complains and rants to Taylor about everything that is wrong with the world without mentioning Ryan and Kelsi – though he’s pretty sure she gets that he’s mad about someone pretending to be straight. She smiles at him sympathetically and kisses his forehead.  
  
Chad angrily confronts Ryan one day after rehearsal, yells at him that he’s supposed to be gay and he’s not supposed to be ashamed or closeted or dating stupid girls because no one is ever going to believe that Ryan is straight.  
  
Chad didn’t mean to be so loud and infuriated, but it kind of happened.  
  
Ryan responds to him calmly – which only serves to piss Chad off more – his enthralling blue eyes blank, devoid of any emotion, “Why? Because I like musical theater? And nice clothes? And pink looks good on me? Because I believe in accessories for every outfit? And I think anyone who turns down concealer when their skin is breaking out is just insane?”  
  
Chad feebly insists, “Because you’re _Ryan_ ,” as if all Ryans in the history of the world are gay.  
  
Ryan rolls his eyes and states that none of those things make him gay before he brushes past Chad on his way out of the auditorium.  
  
Chad wants to say he knows. He knows _so hard_ that of course none of that makes Ryan, or anyone else, gay. But he can’t, and he thinks it probably wouldn’t make a difference if he did.  
  
Chad watches Ryan leave and doesn’t even know any more. What if Ryan really isn’t gay? What if whatever they had during the summer was just Chad and his crazy sexual fantasies? He couldn’t have just been projecting. He swears Ryan felt it, too.  
  
If Ryan isn’t gay, why the hell is Chad gay? How the fucking hell is that fair?  
  
Chad is thoroughly aware that Ryan is exactly the person he always wanted to be with, the person he wanted to love with everything he is. He’s pretty sure he does love Ryan that much, too. He fell when he wasn’t even looking. And climbing back up is long and painful and difficult, and he really doesn’t want to do it. Not when Ryan is the one who’s supposed to be there with him.  
  
It’s too late for Chad to quit the stupid musical, but he tries to make the best of it. He tries really hard to like Taylor and be good to her, but he has a feeling that she knows he’s gay. Probably knew or at least accepted it before he did.  
  
She kisses him once or twice, and it’s enjoyable. But it doesn’t make him _want_ like just the idea of kissing Ryan does. Chad’s pretty sure he loves her, though. Not like he’s supposed to or like he thought he should. But he definitely loves her.  
  
When Chad is angry, he yells at Troy for being straight and liking musical theater and going around singing. It’s just confusing and wrong and not fair for someone to do that.  
  
Troy stares at him stupidly and then apologizes and tries to say he does love Chad – he never gets the words out, but Chad knows that’s what he means – but that he just, you know, really loves Gabriella. Chad rolls his eyes and calls him an asshole and asserts that he does not want Troy and that he hates Kelsi.  
  
Chad leaves Troy to his confusion, but counts that as coming out to him. It’s close enough.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Chad does try to get over Ryan. There are other guys in the world. Even if every single one of them seems like a really pitiful substitute.  
  
It’s just that Chad knows it would work. He knows that Ryan understands what Chad feels and wants, that Ryan needs someone who would love him above everything else just as much as Chad does.  
  
He can’t stop thinking about how much he loves being around Ryan. Even when they argued, he’d rather stay and fight until they’ve fixed it instead of giving up because he doesn’t care if something’s wrong between them. He’s happy with Ryan. And he knows Ryan was happy when they were together.  
  
The summer after graduation, Chad is offered his waiter/caddy job again at the country club. He considers not taking it because he really doesn’t need to be around Ryan all the time if he’s trying to not want him, but it’s really good money and it’s the last summer he’ll spend with his friends and they all beg him to do this, too. So, Chad gives in.  
  
One of the lifeguards from last summer remembers him and remembers him well. He says he always admired Chad and always wanted to ask him if he wanted to hang out or something, but Chad was always with the owner’s son. Chad scoffs and says the owner’s son found some magical girl and seems to think he’s straight.  
  
The lifeguard laughs hard.  
  
Chad laughs with him though he doesn’t find it quite as funny. It still stings too much to be funny. But then he’s being kissed. By a guy. A tan, swimmer type guy and oh, God is it _good._  
  
Chad decides he shouldn’t try to be straight anymore ever. Making out with a guy and groping a hard, muscular, male body has got to be one of the best things in the world.  
  
Taylor laughs when he tells her and says she’s glad he finally realized it. Chad’s mom says something similar and he’s absolutely dumbfounded. Of course his mother has to know everything.  
  
Chad’s dad starts worrying that it means Chad won’t play sports anymore and how he really shouldn’t give up such a talent and he has a basketball scholarship and he shouldn’t throw that away.  
  
When Chad assures him that he is in no way giving up basketball or any other sport, his dad smiles with relief and then gives Chad a lighthearted grin, remarking that at least he knows Chad won’t be getting anyone pregnant when he’s off at college.  
  
Chad rolls his eyes and figures it’s better than a freak-out.  
  
He doesn’t tell anyone else, not right away. It’s really none of their business and since his parents and Troy and Taylor know, he’s good with just that.  
  
Javier, the lifeguard, knows, too. Obviously. Since they start hooking up whenever they have breaks, fumbling and grinding without any sort of care or finesse, but Chad really doesn’t mind because it is awesome without it.  
  
There’s a staff baseball game at the end of June, like there was last year. Chad does not attend for many reasons. One being Javier is teaching him how to give head during the game, and the thrill and power rushing through Chad when he finishes is just as good, maybe better, than any championship victory.  
  
None of it makes him stop thinking about Ryan.  
  
Chad likes Javier and definitely has fun with him. But it’s not the same. He wonders, sometimes, if he could ever get over Ryan. If he could stop wanting and wishing. If he could stop loving him.  
  
Chad tries not to think on it a lot. He can be with someone else. He is with someone else. But Ryan’s always been special. He’s always been there even when Chad didn’t want him to be.  
  
They could have gotten it right – Chad’s sure of it. And he does not do optimism. It would have been hard. They don’t agree on a lot of things. Chad really doesn’t know if he could be that fancy, and he’s sure someone in Ryan’s extended family would throw a fit over him being with a black guy. But Chad also knows how hard Ryan would fight for someone he loves.  
  
Chad still wishes that he were that someone.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Ryan quits the midsummer show this year. Chad has no clue why because Sharpay hasn’t been scheming to take over the world starting with everything at her parent’s country club.  
  
He was kind of looking forward to listening to Ryan sing even if he’d inevitably be singing to his piano-playing girlfriend. Chad could ignore her long enough to hear Ryan. At least, in theory.  
  
He plans on skipping a “date” with Javier to find Taylor during his break, certain she would have the inside scoop on any organized events, seeing as she usually planned them. Because if Ryan isn’t performing, there has to be a good reason.  
  
However, Chad ends up finding Javier first and then there’s a hot mouth and wandering hands and Chad really doesn’t care about who’s in the show that much. He reclines on one of the chaises behind the pool house and lets Javier suck him. That is, until a pair of rich, blond twins stumble upon their secluded meeting place.  
  
Sharpay screeches at them that this is her place and not theirs and she will _so_ report them. Ryan stands silently, looking deathly pale.  
  
Chad eyes Sharpay critically, debating if she actually will tell his boss or her mom. Javier quickly grabs his arm and whispers about finishing later. Chad turns and kisses him out of habit, which he instantly realizes is beyond stupid to do with Ryan watching.  
  
Javier takes off immediately before Sharpay stomps back to the clubhouse. Chad stares at Ryan for a minute but has no idea what he could possibly say. Ryan doesn’t look at him and leaves without a word.  
  
Chad’s stomach twists guiltily even if Ryan never felt anything for him.  
  
Chad forgets about the whole talent show until after work and looks for Taylor once her shift is over. When Chad searches the dining hall, he’s not, in any way, prepared for what he sees.  
  
Taylor is standing at the piano with her hands on someone’s shoulders. She’s rubbing them, massaging them, and at first, Chad is a little jealous. Taylor never touched _him_ that way. He watches her hands and she affectionately strokes her friend’s neck, brushing hair away before she leans down and gives it a soft kiss.  
  
Kelsi turns from the piano, smiles, and kisses Taylor full on the lips.  
  
Chad stares stupidly for much longer than he should. Apparently, what he should have done was last fall was bring all of them back to the Country Club That Makes Everyone Gay. Or just let his ex-girlfriend seduce Ryan’s girlfriend as that seems to be working pretty well. He knew he loved Taylor for a reason.  
  
Chad starts to leave, but Taylor notices him and calls him over. He approaches cautiously, unsure if this is really happening. When he asks if Taylor was gay all this time, too, she giggles brightly.  
  
“I’m bisexual,” she tells him while she toys with Kelsi’s hair. “But the whole notion of a binary gender system is constructed entirely through social and cultural ideas that don’t have any basis in actuality. Some insist that saying I’m bisexual buys into the belief that there are only two options – the masculine men and the feminine women – so, really, I don’t look at it as _bi_ sexual as much as I fall in love with the person, not their body parts.”  
  
Chad makes some sort of flabbergasted, vaguely comprehending noise that causes both girls to laugh.  
  
He scrutinizes Kelsi for a long moment and mumbles something about her boyfriend and super gay and what the hell.  
  
Kelsi bashfully affirms that she’s gay and Ryan’s gay, but they both didn’t have anyone else. Ryan’s her oldest and best friend and she trusts him and loves him, and they both wanted to be with someone.  
  
She talks about things Ryan told her – how he didn’t want to worry about holding someone’s hand in public or kissing someone in front of people, and how even gay men who are out never wanted to be with him. They think he’s too flamboyant or too girly. Or too young. No one ever wanted to connect to him.  
  
Chad isn’t sure if he should be elated or crushed or guilty and ends up falling somewhere in the middle.  
  
Kelsi says she had meant for it to last longer, but then she found Taylor and she’s always had a crush on her. It makes Taylor grin like Chad’s never seen.  
  
When he quickly asks if that means Kelsi isn’t with Ryan anymore, Taylor gives him a knowing smirk, which he pointedly ignores. Kelsi turns a little red and says she wanted to be with Taylor so she dumped him.  
  
Grinning, Chad starts to rush off, but turns back and gives Taylor a huge wet kiss on her cheek. She rolls her eyes at him and shakes her head, but doesn’t stop smiling.  
  
The first thing Chad does is find Javier. His conscience – that sounds suspiciously like a frightening combination of his mother and Taylor – tells him to. When Chad starts up what is effectively a relationship talk, Javier immediately says it wasn’t a relationship, they were just having fun, and Chad’s great and all but Javier just doesn’t do boyfriends.  
  
Chad bites his lip, rather amused, and announces that he does do boyfriends and he really, really wants one.  
  
Javier flees in terror, likely never to be heard from again, and it shouldn’t make Chad laugh, but it really does.  
  
With that taken care of, Chad searches the grounds for Ryan, his heart thundering in his chest. It’s not until he thinks to climb the stairs to the roof of the clubhouse that he actually finds him.  
  
Ryan used to tell Chad there was a special, tall column that he and Sharpay called their Spy Tower. They could see the whole of Lava Springs from the top and no one else ever came up there. It’s where Ryan would go whenever he wanted to be alone, so Chad’s not surprised that he’s there, sitting on the roof, staring up at the sky.  
  
At first, Chad’s at a loss for words, but then remembers about the show and says, in a suave manner, that he heard Ryan quit.  
  
Ryan shrugs and says he didn’t feel like being in it. “I had a really. Bad. Day,” he adds quietly.  
  
Chad sits beside him the way they used to all the time. He watches Ryan, taking in his impassive, barely responsive demeanor. Chad can’t help thinking the worst. Maybe Ryan does love Kelsi. He could be gay and all that, but maybe he really wanted her and loved her. It makes Chad practically sick with jealously, and all he can do is hope his presence is comforting to Ryan, though he’s really not sure it would be.  
  
“How long have you and Javier been together?” Ryan asks without looking, without any emotion.  
  
Chad answers that it’s been about a month. He neglects to mention that there was no “together” and that Javier is likely halfway to China right now. He wants to see if it would make a difference first.  
  
Ryan nods, taking it in, and Chad can’t help asking, “Are you in love with her?”  
  
Ryan looks at him. “Kelsi?” He rolls his eyes and gives a tiny shake of his head.  
  
It’s not so convincing, or Chad is just that pessimistic, and his heart plummets. He offers an apology because it’s the only thing he can think of to do. Ryan starts to shake his head again, but Chad corrects, “I meant for what I did to you.”  
  
It earns Ryan’s attention and something other than an avoidant expression. Ryan looks genuinely bewildered. It almost makes Chad laugh, and he reassures that he really means it. “I got scared. And stupid. And I had to step back to try to work everything out. But I never meant to hurt you.”  
  
Ryan sighs heavily, worrying his lower lip. “I appreciate it. The apology.” He goes quiet again, eyes wandering like he’s thinking hard. After a minute, he makes a decision. “Do you want to know why I was with her?”  
  
Chad swallows a lump in his throat. “That _really_ depends.”  
  
A hint of an empathetic smile touches Ryan’s face. He looks down at his hands when he explains, “I was tired of being the one everyone came to. It was never because they really liked me, just because it’s obvious that I’m gay.”  
  
Chad’s heart speeds up and he knows he shouldn’t focus on this but he can’t think of anything else at the moment. “You’re really gay?”  
  
Ryan laughs, quick and detached, but he also rolls his eyes affectionately. “Yeah, I’m gay.” He turns his head and gives Chad a smile before he continues. “Just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean it’s easy. Everyone else has someone. And I’m really tired of being the third wheel or the unthreatening, sexless fairy. I wanted… I was lonely,” Ryan says softly. “I don’t care that maybe she wasn’t everything I wanted. I figured she would love me anyway.”  
  
The words hang in the air and make Chad hurt and want so much he can’t stand it. Carefully, he reaches out and touches Ryan’s knee.  
  
Ryan doesn’t move, doesn’t look, but he also doesn’t shrug off Chad’s hand. He stares distantly and then laughs. “Maybe that’s not fair to her, but she’s the one who dumped me.”  
  
Chad ventures a smile and squeezes Ryan’s knee. This time, Ryan’s hand slides toward Chad’s and settles on top of it. There’s flooding and overflowing in Chad’s chest and he wonders if maybe he was right, that Ryan did or does or could feel something for him. Chad asks, even though it’s probably way too much, “Why would anyone come to you if they didn’t like you? Why would anyone not want to be with you?”  
  
Ryan swallows hard and his fingers curl around Chad’s hand. “Guys know I won’t freak out if they hit on me. So, apparently, I’m a good test to see if you’re gay or not. But I’m never what they really want. Or if I am, they can’t deal because I’m too… you know. Obvious. Flaming.”  
  
Chad’s stomach churns and he swears, “That wasn’t what happened. With us. That wasn’t it.”  
  
Ryan looks at him with gentle expression. “I know. You were scared of feeling something for me.”  
  
Chad can’t quite admit that he does feel something. That he really, really does and it never stopped. He wants to get this right first. “I miss you,” he confesses with all the sincerity he has.  
  
He watches Ryan’s lip quiver, his blue eyes glistening, and Ryan’s voice is pained and thick with emotion when he says, “I miss you, too.”  
  
Chad can barely breathe.  
  
Ryan loves him. Ryan _still_ loves him. He doesn’t quite know if Ryan would want him or want to be with him, but right now, Chad is way beyond grateful.  
  
He hugs Ryan tightly, overjoyed when Ryan relaxes into him and stays in his arms.  
  
~*~*~  
  
It’s harder the second time around. Chad is terrified of doing something wrong, and he’s pretty sure Ryan is terrified of losing him. But it doesn’t stop either of them.  
  
Chad still knows how to make Ryan laugh, and Ryan will still play basketball with him. He’s gotten better, too, and when Chad thinks of Ryan practicing without him, just to get that much closer to beating him, he feels warm, euphoric rushing in his chest.  
  
Sometimes, Ryan even looks at him in that soft adoring way that he used to. And then all Chad wants to do is kiss him and never stop kissing him.  
  
But he doesn’t. If there’s any chance of being shot down, Chad would really like to avoid that for as long as possible. It’s exceedingly hard sometimes what with having a taste of regular sex with someone and then not having it anymore. Chad’s pretty sure he’s made any and every excuse to touch Ryan that could possibly be made. Never sexual touches though. Not overtly sexual, anyway.  
  
He learns that Ryan loves having someone stroke his hair and that the insides of his wrists are really sensitive. There’s also a certain area on Ryan sides that is exceptionally ticklish, which Chad likes to demonstrate far more often than Ryan probably would like him to.  
  
Every once in a while, Ryan looks at him and Chad can’t help thinking how Ryan’s never looked so sad. Chad worries that it’s because he hurt Ryan so badly or because Ryan wants and misses Kelsi, even though Ryan always assures him that neither of those are the case.  
  
They’re lying in the grass near the baseball field one afternoon when Ryan gets one of those disheartened looks. And says he’s moving to New York in three weeks.  
  
Chad turns to him a little confused. It’s not particularly new information, and he asks if Ryan is nervous. When Ryan shakes his head, Chad tentatively asks if he’s having second thoughts.  
  
Ryan thinks quietly, but says not really. Just sad thoughts.  
  
Chad reaches out and takes Ryan’s hand, twining their fingers together. Ryan squeezes tightly, and Chad rolls onto his side, propping himself on an elbow. He stares at the way Ryan holds their hands to his chest, over his heart.  
  
With a weak smile, Ryan gazes up at him. It hurts and makes Chad wish there were something he could do. If he could stop time or maybe fast-forward it, he’d so do it right now.  
  
With his free hand, Chad strokes the side of Ryan’s face and watches his eyes close. And it’s just too good of an opportunity to pass up.  
  
Leaning down, he presses his mouth to Ryan’s.  
  
He feels a sudden, startled intake of breath and then Ryan’s lips move against his. Chad’s heart skips and all he can think is finally, finally, _finally._  
  
He pulls away before the kiss lasts long, nervously tracing a thumb over Ryan’s cheek and gauging the reaction in those deep blue eyes. Ryan exhales, soft and shuddery, his lower lip trembling. And Chad seriously can’t tell if Ryan’s going to laugh or burst into tears.  
  
He ends up doing neither, running a hand over Chad’s curls, achieving heartbroken and amused all at once. “You couldn’t have done that a year ago?”  
  
Immediately, Chad bends down and kisses him again, promising against Ryan’s mouth, “I’ll make it up to you.”  
  
He kisses Ryan over and over for all the times he wanted to and never did. It’s deep and wet and messy and Ryan’s hand tightens in his hair, and Chad’s never, ever, been so happy.  
  
Their kisses slow after a while, melting into soft lingering touches that burn in the base of Chad’s spine. He pulls himself closer, curling around Ryan’s slender body, his leg easily falling over one of Ryan’s. There’s a low, sweet noise made into Chad’s mouth, and the hand in Chad’s hair disappears but then slides down his back and clutches possessively. Chad flushes with warmth, dizzy and bursting, and wanting so much.  
  
He breaks away from Ryan’s mouth, needing to stop for a minute before he can’t stop anymore ever.  
  
Ryan sighs breathlessly, melancholy still in his eyes.  
  
Chad squeezes Ryan’s hand that never let go of his. “You know,” he tells Ryan. “Of all places, New York isn’t so bad.”  
  
Ryan rolls his eyes and looks away, his fingers twisting in the hem of Chad’s shirt. Chad touches his nose to Ryan’s and recaptures his attention. “In fact. I’d love to visit.”  
  
Ryan blinks at him. “You’d visit?”  
  
“ _Yeah_ ,” Chad affirms like it’s obvious. Because it is obvious.  
  
The corners of Ryan’s mouth twitch into an almost smile. “You’d visit _me_?”  
  
Chad laughs and affectionately runs his hand through Ryan’s hair. “Dude. There isn’t anything that can keep me away from you.”  
  
The brightest grin the world has ever seen washes over Ryan’s entire face, and he pulls Chad down to him.


End file.
